A Misfit’s Memoir

Words explaining a journey in one’s life fills the pages to create a memoir,

do not be scared to write yours.

Have you ever wanted to do research on a word before and really get the meaning behind the word on the page? I wrote this title before I really put into thought what “memoir” meant. I think I overlooked the word, I just liked the way it sounded with Misfit and for the beginning of the blog I wanted my titles to all have the letter M’s with it. But that limits my mindset on where I really could write because well, I know for a fact the dictionary is full of M words, but I will admit my mind and the dictionary are not always on the same page and maybe a little bit of laziness on my part because that may take too much time. Granted I know God would provide and make this simple if it is in His will, but that’s the truth on where I am today, more will be revealed. I know if I keep this blog and podcast going, then one thing is true, I have to be honest and speak from the heart. It is the only way today I know how to let the words fill the page and although it may be uncomfortable, it is my calling to speak real life. I understand this word because I have learned I am about to hand over my memoir to the world. If you are reading this and unsure about the definition of the word, let me define it. A Memoir is any nonfiction narrative writing based in the author's personal memories. The assertions made in the work are thus understood to be factual defined by Wikipedia. I believe this speaks to me because a memoir has insight, it can be a reflection of your own story. I know for a fact writing my life story taught me the intensity of who was behind each detail in the process of writing memories shaping who I am today. I never wanted to go back to how I used my own map to find hidden truths about what life could teach me through the discovery of pain, but it opened my eyes to true beauty. Life always has two sides, the struggle and the victory. Life teaches you strength and endurance and reminds you without a battle, you will stay stagnant. Today, I want to always challenge myself for growth and I have learned writing helps with that process. Writing can create healing and a pathway to finding out why we kept repeating the mistakes in our life or why we always want what we are not ready for. Today, I use prayer and meditation, search my heart for pureness, and trust God directing my steps.

Looking back, I never let God give me any wisdom on what direction I should or should not take because I was not close enough to trust His guidance. I wanted my way to work out so badly I would use any kind of judgement to try to force it even when chaos was all around me. In the past, I was comfortable in chaos because it made me feel as if I wasn’t so crazily insane because madness was everywhere. I understood Harley Quinn because each day in my mind felt like a war zone of insanity and it felt like a messed up fairy tale to play my own character looking and searching for happiness in either a bottle or a person and willing to sell my soul in order to finally believe it exist. I searched everywhere on the map for love and happiness and I ignored all the signs of “dead end” signs or “Wrong Way” and the most importantly, the RED STOP SIGN which are all the red flags. Take a second and think about your life, did you do the same? Your way or Gods? IS that still a difficult question for you because sometimes following God’s will means what you want does not happen.

So let me ask you a question. If you were to see a person with the words, “BAD INFLUENCE” on their forehead, would you still be attracted to them? It makes me think because I saw a truck the other day with “BAD INFLUENCE” written on the inside of the front windshield and this blog was slowly put to life. I have to really look back and if I do a soul search, even though I was not close to God, He did give me a gut tug that this may not be where you need to go in your life, but rebellion and the attraction to sin called my name and I fueled trouble in the past. I think my mind wanted danger and I was terrified of myself and who I could be if I ever took the time to figure out who I was, so I became a character in other people’s play. I knew how to change my appearance and personality more than be honest with myself. The scary thought, maybe my forehead yelled, “BAD INFLUENCE” to all the people I attracted and hell was our playground. I think when pain takes over it makes you slowly become insane because I know I became addicted to pain and never in this lifetime thought I was worth the search to heal all the deep wounds I kept finding on my map. In the past, I never prayed honestly before I took steps, I just followed chaos and bragging about how insane I could be and blood didn’t scare me, it brought excitement. I know with just saying that last comment, I am not normal and it may be scary, but who I used to be is scarier because pain and hell did not scare her, it entertained her and death brought no fear but she questioned, “am I invincible because I should be dead by now.”

So today I strongly understand grace and I understand how God guides my direction on my map but sometimes and I know for me, denial had to be faced and dealt with. I was the problem and I never wanted to give up my fantasy or my insanity because I thought it would be too hard and that I was not worth it. Truth is, it was extremely hard to face but this freedom is worth it and there is no fear in what I say or where I go today because I trust God’s will before my own today. I am His misfit letting His Holy Spirit cover me in his fire burning in my soul to face hell for the ones who are lost and insane. I walked my own version of hell for the lost and I know what it feels like fighting the person in the mirror. I challenge you to look in the mirror and grab a notebook or a sheet of paper and do some soul searching. How do you read your map for the journey of your life and will you put it on paper or share with another to bring this world hope today? We all have a story and we all have memoirs, but we get lost in fear so I challenge you to be different today.

Let God open your eyes with His magnifying glass and take a picture of your life and put it on the page infront of you. He has the perfect plan and map for your life, before you take a step or decide which direction you will go, say a prayer God your will be done, not mine. And remember search your heart and feel the wind and close your eyes and know His Love will show in your memoir if you look for where God was at in that moment. He was there, the question is which version of you was?

Always be protective of where you are spiritually and mentality, don’t sell yourself short.